- posted: Aug. 06, 2025
You love your teen so much. When they are struggling, be it with anxiety, substance use, depression, or OCD. You want them to get all the help they need. But they seem withdrawn, unwilling to open up to their loved ones. They’d rather be in their room. So you send them to therapy, hoping a professional can help them open up and talk about how they feel. You know they need to process their emotions, something they are not yet willing to face. You wonder where things went wrong. They used to be glued to your hip, but one day they began retreating. It’s confusing, worrying, and almost hurtful. I’ve seen this in my years of supporting teens so often: parents blame themselves. They carry such heavy guilt that they do not deserve to feel. So I decided to write this article to support them and reassure them that they are, quite on the contrary, their child’s best assets.
Parent guilt, parent guilt. We are always quick to blame ourselves for those we take care of and love. They were children once upon a time, always reliant on us for survival. We were exclusively responsible for their health and well-being. My infant going hungry will absolutely be my oversight, but my teen suffering from anxiety can largely be out of my control. However, our nervous system was wired in the early days, and rewiring is incredibly challenging. I, the therapist, want to gently bring up all the things out of our control. We can, however, help support our teens from the side as they navigate through the new challenges in their lives.
Freud Could Use Some Updates
I bet you know about Freud’s family of origin framework. It is so commonly cited for family-blaming that many of us more or less still believe in these ideas. Many issues we struggle with have familial influences, impacting our default sense of security when getting close with others. You know, his ideas were a great foundation for us to build on, but we’ve learned so much since his time. A person struggles due to a complex network of influences, as many, many psychologists have argued since. These influences include social environment, cultural environment, an individual’s own thought processes, collective unconscious, etc. Consider big names like: Carl Rogers, who believes in the inherent goodness of people and their ability to grow and change; Albert Ellis of Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy, who emphasizes that irrational beliefs rather than family are more consistent reasons why one struggles; Alfred Adler, who argues social roles and interests drive behaviors primarily. The list goes on.
What Else Could It Be? My Clinical Experiences
Social-Societal Factors
We must not forget about the time our teens are growing up in. I’ll just list a couple of examples here. Have you been on social media lately? It can be an amazing tool for us to stay connected and informed, but there is so much competition there. We now have a true example of what “good enough” looks like, and the standards are sky-high. The influencers have lavish lifestyles, amazing social circles, most attractive faces, and the best dance moves. Teens’ friends also post similar contents, showcasing their perfect selves. If it’s just the famous folks, so be it. But if it’s my friends who I go to school with, it’ll be a very different story hard not to take personally.
I will also chat with you about the COVID-19 lockdown years. We carry the collective trauma of that public health crisis, living in fear for a long time. Many teens remained isolated and missed out on a few crucial years of social developments, fueling their anxiety. We are nervous about anything we are inexperienced with. If a teen has not been around their peers for a few years, reconnecting can be very nerve-wracking. They have a hard time reformulating their social roles, rethinking many things they knew.
Developmental Factors
Teens are navigating through some tricky times of individuation and identity forming. They recognize they are growing up, and family can no longer be their only place of safety. The pressure to prepare themselves for independence is heavy. They are eager to find their roles in friend groups, learn about what they’d like to do for work in the future, and learn how to drive for more location autonomy. It is typically confusing for them to balance their reliance on their parents and this process of individuation. As a result of this confusion, you’ll see some hormone-fueled snappiness (they really are trying to work on this!), closed doors, increased dedication to friends, and rejection of your advice.
Cognitive Factors
Teens, I’ve noticed, are commonly black-and-white thinkers, “I am not as popular as so-and-so. I am worthless.” “I am a B-student. I am not smart.” “I have a hard time getting through mom. I give up on that relationship.” It sounds jaw-dropping, but I know these statements feel very, very true to them. I have the adult impulse to go in and correct these thought processes, highlighting the nuances for them didactically, but you bet, the answer I get is typically an “ok that’s fair” without any following through. Correcting, I’ve noticed, is fruitless. I must help them find a way to notice the issues themselves.
I reflect these thought patterns back to them and ask if they agree. When they hear it reflected back, they begin hearing the logical flaws and bring up counterexamples. I note instances they’ve brought up in the past where they felt proud of themselves and ask how that fits with their statements. They begin piecing together the gray areas. They are more than capable of changing these patterns, but it is always more effective when they do the work themselves.
Teen Therapy in Thousand Oaks: Individual Support with Family Involvement
A teen is a social being. I believe in the power of a validating therapeutic alliance and an active support system involving their family. If you’re seeking teen therapy for your precious one in Thousand Oaks, I invite you to reach out. I’ve had 5 years of experience supporting teens holistically, engaging family in the process. I look forward to being here for you and your teen!
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Kaidi Liu, LMFT
Tide and Shore Therapy – Therapist for Teens in Thousand Oaks